"The Choice You Refuse To Make is the Choice That Will Be Made For You."
Updated: Nov 5, 2020
[An open letter to my loved ones.]
Taking a hiatus from social media since February 2020, I have learned how legit present you have to be (get to be) with the people in your life. Actually having to remember things like birthdays, anniversaries, their voice if you never talk to them on the phone instead of always depending on their posts like random video uploads to make you feel like you're still in each other's lives.
I see the importance in being seen, but I've always known there's nothing like being heard (after all, a childhood truth of: "children should be seen and not heard" rings true for almost everyone, whether you heard it and/or experienced it). Look at what our culture created to deal with that trauma... a literal Facebook! That whole See Me: "Look what I can do." Culture. So I had to tune out to fully tune into this new awareness. I couldn't heal my wound of not feeling heard if I was willing to hear everyone but my self. I have always lived to make others feel seen & heard whilst literally shrinking, playing small, whispering and hiding myself.
So, how am I doing?
I'm doing and being amazing, & prior to that - well, on my way to amazing actually.
Basically I'm actively having a rebirth. I was on a time out from the Universe for a moment, and I couldn't begin to understand it initially. I felt like I was literally in a cocoon of some sort, the chrysalis. Spiritually it was symbolic of a womb, and there's no space to bring anyone there with you. I had to fully detach from everyone, some by choice, some by force. But prior to this rebirthing, please understand there was indeed a death. A bursting of the soul. I really appreciate all who allowed me that space to be & move through that. I will always cherish my loved ones for trusting in my re-emergence.
In this space I have taken from honestly almost everyone, I've gained so much clarity & in the void of no longer playing small, a seed of sublime confidence in my wholeness & being was planted.
I know most couldn't have possibly known (or maybe some not even have cared) what I was going through. I literally had no words for what this season was, but I knew I was shifting, unbecoming. Every time I tried to name it, explain it, confront it, push through it, it slipped away like wet soap from my fragile trembling hands. I simultaneously distracted myself as much as I could as well with work, friends/family, even food to no avail.
I really just had to sit with it, be with it, in the darkness, stillness and fullness of it, invite it in, merge with it, immerse myself within, & accept it. It was excruciating, but only as soon as I allowed myself to completely lean into the mixed pot of feelings despite the fear & pain of it, that very pain & fear went away.
And then there was nothing. This liminal space. A threshold. Not entirely here nor there, just....
I tried my best to cling onto what I felt I knew, any sense of familiarity.
The echos came & they haunted me initially, until I realized it was me, well my voice. All the things I've never said, never allowed myself to claim in language outside of myself, all the wants & needs that fell on deaf ears, all the boundaries I threw to the side with myself & others.
I was invited to sit with those whispers and give them a voice, an outlet. & it was here where I felt like I sincerely heard myself for the first time.
I Am so grateful to All there is.
I would say, "I'm backkkk!" but it's a lot more gentle of a becoming. Just know I've made it through. I trust all is well & look forward to slowly reconnecting in this blossoming. Life feels new again in this perfect crisp cold, refreshing & bright way. I've been here before, a time or two when my life takes this now perceived beautiful curve in a new and exciting direction.
"THE CHOICE YOU REFUSE TO MAKE IS THE CHOICE THAT WILL BE MADE FOR YOU. "
& this time I make the choice to embrace this experience & all it continuously brings as I am reborn each day in this awareness. So I'll meet you on the other side.
The soundtrack & dedications to this liminal space:
Daniel Caesar | Koffee
Lianne La Havas
Tora | Keelan Mak
Masego | FKJ